Today was a great day for bicycle riding…sunny and warm. I took a different route from the roads I normally travel. I was pumping hard and fast when I heard a dog’s bark getting progressively closer. Then I spotted him, sprinting across a deep front lawn…toward me, and I could hear his owners pleading with him not to attack me. I was picking up my speed when suddenly he darted in front of my bike, within a foot of my front tire, and into the center of the street. Then he circled around the back of my bike and aimed for my right foot. He was so fast that I didn’t expect to get away from him…and then BANG! He collided with a mailbox!

I told that story to my wife when I returned home, and you know what she asked me?

“Was the dog okay?” 

Research shows that there is a higher incidence of crashes with ADHD, and the likelihood is four times greater that the one with ADHD is at fault. So, isn’t that sufficient evidence of canine ADHD?

In one recent ADDNashville meeting, I read a passage from Paul Kalanithi’s book, When Breath Becomes Air (Random House, 2016). Kalanithi, a neurosurgeon at Stanford who had advanced degrees in English literature and philosophy, wrote his book after his cancer diagnosis. 

If you are like me, a visual processor, you may need to see the passage in print. I had to read it several times, and let it sit in my brain for a while to fully digest it. The passage is worth repeating here:

“I had come to see language as an almost supernatural force, existing between people, bringing our brains, shielded in centimeter-thick skulls, into communion. A word meant something only between people, and life’s meaning, its virtue, had something to do with the depth of the relationships we form. It was the relational aspect of humans–i.e., “human relationality”–that undergirded meaning.” 

What relevance does this have for those of us with ADHD? Someone in our group wisely asked this question. Since we are prone to communication challenges, those very challenges may have a negative impact on our relationships. If a word has something to do with relationship and meaning, and our speech is impulsive, or we get lost in our stories and appear detached from the listener, or we get distracted as listener and misread the speaker’s intention, or we speak unclearly and our words are misunderstood, then our relationships may suffer. 

This is why I wrote the third chapter in Living Well with ADHD: “Attentive Listening and Mindful Speaking.” We need to develop and sharpen our communication skills in order to have that depth of relationship with others, what Paul Kalanithi says “undergirds meaning.” We need to learn and practice mindful listening and speaking if we wish not to miss out on the real substance of life.

Kalanithi was very much alive until his last day. His words, and his example of how to live to the end, are priceless gifts that he gave to his family and his readers. He was 36 years old when his life ended. “You can’t ever reach perfection,” he said, “but you can believe in an asymptote toward which you are ceaselessly striving.” 

The first chapter in my book is “Who You Are and Who You’re Not.” We could easily complain about how misunderstood we are, thereby making others responsible, or we can take some action to contribute to better understanding and acceptance of ADHD. I prefer to do the latter. Toward that goal, I had an opportunity to speak at the Brentwood Library last week, and I’m grateful for the turn-out. The set-up was for fifty people. Fifty-one registered and 45 showed up. A number of “ambassadors” from ADDNashville attended…thank you! I’m told that support group members hung around and answered a lot of questions of others who came to hear the talk. About half the attendees bought the book, and I sincerely hope it helps and inspires them. My experiences with ADDNashville – more than anything – inspired me to write Living Well with ADHD, and I’m forever grateful. 

For those who are new to the diagnosis, and to discovering our support group, I invite you to join us in our efforts to support one another, improve our daily functioning, and inform others about ADHD. Check our calendar on this site for the schedule of meetings. We have some professional guests lined up to participate in some future meetings. Sara Skillen, a certified professional organizer, with a special interest in ADHD, will be with us this Monday, April 4. For those of you who are committed to watching the NCAA basketball championship, we will probably forgive you for leaving a few minutes early for the 8 pm tip-off.

There are two more speaking and book-signing opportunities coming up in Nashville: Vanderbilt Barnes & Noble (April 11) and Parnassus Books (May 13). I’m working on opportunities in Athens, GA, Portland, OR, Seattle, WA, and Costa Mesa, CA.

Thanks for your patience with me as I, somewhat reluctantly, promote these activities. I’m not comfortable focusing so much on myself and my work, but I am learning that to to be useful as an author, a book must have readers – and to have readers, authors have to become publicists.

Why is so important for you to know who you are and who you’re not, considering your history of experiences, especially before being diagnosed and understanding your neurological differences? This is the theme of the first chapter in my book. And why is it so important to become skillful with attentive listening and mindful speaking (chapter three in Living Well with ADHD)? Here is an excerpt from Paul Kalanithi’s book, When Breath Becomes Air (Random House, 2016), who answers those questions in three sentences that you should read at least three times to digest it fully:

I had come to see language as an almost supernatural force, existing between people, bringing our brains, shielded in centimeter-thick skulls, into communion. A word meant something only between people, and life’s meaning, its virtue, had something to do with the depth of the relationships we form. It was the relational aspect of humans—i.e., “human relationaliity”—that undergirded meaning.

What a profound and poetic use of language to explain the meaning of language. Paul Kalanithi was a neurosurgeon and writer who died in March of 2015 while working on his book. He was passionately interested in “what makes a virtuous and meaningful life.” I highly recommend When Breath Becomes Air.

I asked Life Coach Casey Dixon (mindfullyadd.com and dixonlifecoaching.com) to answer a question about beginning and sustaining a mindfulness practice. Casey is an expert on simple and effective practices.

TH: What would you suggest as a good way for adults to begin a mindfulness practice that they can sustain?

CD: First, I would suggest people find one practice that they really enjoy, their “go to” practice. I have one, called Mountain Breath, that I can call up anytime and it helps me get into a mindful state immediately. I practiced it as a guided mediation so many times that now I can easily do it on my own. Variety is nice when you are into practicing mindfulness, but having one go-to practice is a great way to start that will last.

Second, I love the “When I …, then I …” approach, which means that you find a really good cue that triggers your mindful practice. One of my clients came up with, “When I see Bob walk past my desk at work, then I will take 3 intentional breaths.” This is a great cue, because Bob walks past her desk several times each day and she can rely on it. Now, when she sees Bob (although he does not know this!), then she practices mindfulness. This works really well, so she was able to expand her cue to trigger other, more involved practices.

Another client had a really hard time finding a cue. I pushed her to think of one thing that happens in her life every day. She came up with, “When I cover the bird cage at night, then I will try Tick Tock.” Tick Tock being her go-to practice. (Note: “Tick Tock” is rocking side-to-side like a pendulum).

It is also helpful to remember that you don’t have to be a mindfulness master in order to benefit. Practicing mindfulness might feel awkward and sometimes you will forget to do it, but if you have a go-to practice and a good cue, you can keep it up or return to it when you are ready.

For more information on other accessible mindfulness practices, check out mindfullyadd.com

Effective communication requires awareness of the speaker when listening and awareness of the listener when speaking. When listening, are you attending to the speaker, or listening to your thoughts instead? Are you formulating your response, or actually listening? To listen mindfully is to be aware of where you are directing your attention, like directing your visual attention to an object you wish to see.

Mindful listening is like meditation. When meditatinng, returning attention to your breath is a way to return from your thoughts to your experience in the present moment. When listening mindfully, the speaker is the object of your attention in the moment. To maintain attention to the speaker is to practice mindfulness in real time. Meditation is simply one form of mental conditioning to counter old habits. Casey Dixon (www.mindfullyadhd.com) illustrates other, very simple ways to practice mindfulness.

Effective communication also requires awareness of the listener when speaking. There are times when you may be entertaining, but not interacting. You might not be self-centered by nature, but when your listener has little opportunity to participate, you are—in effect—being self-centered. You might not notice when a polite listener has lost interest and is wanting to get away from you. Sadly, you might be clueless as to why you have trouble maintaining friends.

Here is the good news: You don’t have to sacrifice your capacity to entertain when learning to interact. You just need to know the difference.