When is “good enough” good enough? A professional helper with an excessive change-orientation could be contributing to your self-defeating thoughts, like this one: “I’m not competent enough to accomplish my goals…I need to be better than I am to achieve my vision.” Change at the expense of acceptance contributes to negative judgment about one’s potential. Dependence on the helper may make the helper feel valued, but it may have the opposite effect on clients who already minimize their value. Their experience of not being seen, accepted, and respected for who they are is familiar. Their self-doubt has a history.
Recent research suggests that non-judgmental self-observation and radical acceptance are critical in managing emotions and overcoming self-defeating thoughts and behavior. The power of acceptance and commitment are well documented as catalysts for development and change.
We have the power to accept our cognitive differences and commit to action, despite uncomfortable feelings and negative thoughts. Living well with ADHD means attending mindfully to what we want to accomplish and not being sidetracked by excessive attention to symptoms and limitations. Reviewing published research on these topics last night, I came across this: “Thoughts are not facts.” And I recently read the following powerful sentence in a book on mindfulness: “Feelings just are.”
Perfectionism can derail you; whereas, acceptance of your thoughts and feelings can prevent them from slowing you down. They’re just thoughts and feelings. In the 1980’s, I was inspired by a song whose chorus began with, “Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride…”
Ten Dimes: In 1979 I was a frequent flyer at a coin laundry on West End Avenue near Vanderbilt University. I lived in the neighborhood. There was a woman working there who wore an apron-like pouch strapped around her waist. She made change so customers could have quarters for the washing machines and dimes for the dryers. The washers were lined up in the center of the room, and dryers were along the west wall. Customers sat in folding chairs along the front window and east wall. The place was like a library for Vanderbilt students. They quietly read their textbooks while waiting.
I needed change for the dryer one evening and gave the coin lady a dollar for ten dimes. I put all of the dimes in my left pocket. All ten went through a hole in my pocket and rolled out in ten directions when they hit the tile floor. Customers in the “student section” looked up from their books to watch my performance as I searched and recovered ten dimes.
I found all ten with no help from unsympathetic students. Not one student helped me, even after my encore performance when I put the ten dimes back into the same pocket with the same outcome! What snobs! The worst part was having to hang around because my clothes needed drying and the dryer needed dimes.
Paradox: I called my wife at work recently to suggest meeting at a restaurant near my office after work. She is accustomed to arriving at restaurants before me, at the time we agreed on. She expects me to be a few minutes late. On this occasion, I was on time. I scoped out the place, expecting to see her at a table, but she wasn’t there. I was proud that I had beaten her this time.
The hostess asked, “How many?”
Distracted, I replied, “I beat my wife!” She looked shocked.
“Oh no,” I said, “I didn’t mean that I beat my wife…I beat her here…no, I have never beaten her, here or anywhere…I don’t beat my wife…she usually beats me…no, I don’t mean…what I mean is…she is normally on time and I’m not!”
There are large and small risks associated with ADHD. I recall events in my life that could have been disastrous, and one recent event that only affected my appearance temporarily.
Here is my hyperbolic short list of dangerous events and situations, up to age 30:
- When I was a toddler, my brother and I competed to see who could get the front wheel of his tricycle closest to the edge of our front porch without toppling down the steps. I lost!
- As a pre-teen I took walks on the railroad tracks that bordered our back yard.
- As a teen I sometimes sped across railroad tracks when the signal was flashing and the gates were descending, to avoid having to wait for a train to pass.
- At 16 I was an occasional passenger with fearless drivers of fast cars with few safety features.
- One night at 17 I could hardly keep my eyes on the road because my date was so stunning. I ran into the back of a car at a traffic light. It was one of many last first dates.
- One night at age 20, I thought I was on a main road rather than a similar looking street one block over. I passed a stop sign, jumped a ditch, and plowed up someone’s front yard!
- I took many risks as a naive 28-year-old driving across the country and up and down the west coast. I was a magnet for Stephen King characters in Santa Cruz.
- I got to know my wife after we married, rather than before. I proposed a few months after meeting her. She remains with me 38 years later.
Here is a recent minor event that changed my appearance in 5 mindless seconds:
I could have passed up trimming my beard one morning last week when I was in a rush to get to the office. But trimming with electric clippers was fast, and my 3/8-inch attachment allowed for a precise cut. I removed the attachment to blow off debris from a previous trimming. I turned on the switch, and in one motion I made a path up the right side of my chin. I was shocked to see the result of forgetting to put the attachment back on. There was no time to fully evaluate the beard’s viability, but it wasn’t very pretty. So, I continued clipping as fast as I could until there was nothing left but nubs to shave off with my razor. If only I had started getting ready earlier, or proceeded at a mindful pace…
So it goes.
Here are a few simple tips for understanding and practicing focused attention (mindfulness) and open awareness in meditation.
Mindfulness meditation is as much about returning to an object of attention as it is about focusing on it. We rarely maintain fixed attention for a full meditation period. In fact, we may only have short periods of fixed attention on an object and need to return again and again. Doing so with kindness and compassion, rather than frustration, is key.
Being present with the body, physical sensations and emotions is about relaxing into the experience, whatever it is, rather than resisting or tensing up. “That which we resist persists.”
In working with thoughts in meditation, our relationship to thought is more important than the content of the thoughts themselves. That is, we observe the flow of thinking without getting caught up in the narrative. Its like we’re watching a stream flow by or a train coming into the station and then heading out again without getting on.
Open awareness meditation is about noticing sounds arising and passing near and far and experiencing the changing flow of all experience, internally and externally, in the open space of mind – a mind as wide as the sky. We are letting go of the idea that our mind is limited to our head or any fixed point of reference. We do include awareness of breath and body in this practice, but we don’t fix our attention there. In fact, this practice works best when we are able to let go of effort and rest in the great embrace of open awareness, allowing all things to arise and pass away, attaching to none.
As we deepen into this practice, the boundary between inside and outside dissolves, and the duality of subject and object disappears.
I don’t recommend toggling back and forth between focused attention and open awareness during one meditation session. Find a practice to settle on until you feel stable. Many people, especially more experienced meditators, begin with focused attention and naturally shift into open awareness as their concentration deepens. If you struggle with open awareness because your mind wanders without a fixed object of attention, you may find the guided meditation, “Mind Like Sky” helpful. You can listen to it here.
What exactly does it mean to observe anxiety? When I ask clients how they felt when confronted with a stressful event, they almost always tell me what they thought, not how they felt. They say things like, “I felt like he was going to yell at me.” That is a thought…not a feeling. A feeling would be, “I felt afraid,” or “I felt the sensation of fear.”
What does it mean to observe the sensation of fear? By directing your attention inward, and not toward the person who was going to yell at you, you can locate where you are feeling the sensation in your body. I almost always feel fear and anxiety at the top of my abdomen, beneath the sternum. Getting close enough to the sensation to fully experience it demystifies and normalizes it.
We naturally try to avoid or escape situations that stimulate anxious feelings, but we also try to avoid or escape the feelings. This is a mistake because it is impossible not to feel what you feel. Your feelings are involuntary, but your thoughts are the stories you construct. When you push back against feelings, you believe your stories…the emotionally reactive thoughts. When you ride a rollercoaster, you don’t actually believe you are going to die, and the feeling subsides when you exit.
When you don’t disturb yourself about rising feelings, and instead, experience them like waves in the ocean, you will notice when the emotional waves recede. When you move up close to an uncomfortable feeling–like leaning into a cold wind–you are tolerating it. When you brace yourself against it, it bothers you. Pushing back intensifies the very feeling you are wishing not to have.
Living well with ADHD calls for living well with your emotional experiences…accepting the ups and downs of life’s rollercoaster. There is no alternative if you want to embrace life fully. Emotions are the color of life.
Mindful observation of mindlessness is inconceivable…and possible. It is inconceivable in that conceptualizing is something other than meditating. In fact, it is the opposite and, therefore, cannot be a solution to mindlessness. Put another way, you can’t solve an excessive thinking problem by thinking about it. Stepping back from mental chatter–not into it–enhances mindful awareness. A brain full of chatter is like a water glass that is too full; there is no room for more water. But there is plenty of room for water when the glass is empty. Decluttering the mind makes room for simple observation…just noticing without evaluating what you’re noticing.
When meditating, I’m seldom aware of the precise moment when drifting starts. With consistent practice, my sharpened attention notices the drifting sooner than when I’m not consistently practicing. Meditating is not about stopping thoughts, a common misconception, but about turning up the lights so you can see your thoughts, feelings, and life around you. The more you practice, the more you see.
Awareness of your internal and external experience does not require thinking about your experience. What did an apple taste like before humans had language to describe it? Tasting an apple requires no thought or description of the experience.
When meditating, here is what you should do the moment you become aware that you are starting to get lost in thought: Don’t waste a thought over it! Just gently return your attention to present-moment awareness…to your “observation deck.”
A cluttered brain wanders aimlessly. Think about what your mind is like when you are falling asleep. Your mind-wandering state is what some neurologists call the “default system,” the receding of alertness. When you wake up in the morning, your brain returns to alertness as the default system recedes and the “executive system” comes back online. In your daily life, when you recognize the drift and return your attention to the present moment, you are exercising the executive system.
I believe that most adults with ADHD are unfamiliar with an open state of awareness. We don’t go there naturally. We’re too stuck in a selective state of attention, always focused on something, often a low-priority activity. Getting stuck in selective attention is one reason we don’t notice the clock or competing priorities. We can get lost in a task without regard for its relative importance because determing relative importance (prioritizing) requires an open state of awareness. We tend instead to lock our attention into what is right in front of us, to the exclusion of just about everything else, including our spouses!
Open awareness is necessary for intentionally directing your attention. The last time I was on a local television talk show, I noticed the absence of camera operators I had come to know. The studio was now equipped with robotic cameras. Before going on the air, the interviewer pointed to a small camera behind me, mounted high on a wall near the ceiling. A director sits in a booth directing the four robotic cameras using that small camera on the wall. He makes continuous decisions about zooming in and out, switching cameras on and off, and moving them into position to shift the viewer’s observation (attention) from the talk-show set to the news desk.
I told the interviewer, “That small camera is what my brain needs!” I need the wide-angle view to expand my awareness, the zoom feature to focus in and then zoom back out, and the authority to direct my attention to where I need it to go.
“Psychological treatment may play a critical role in the management of adults with ADHD who are motivated and developmentally ready to acquire new skills as symptoms remit.” (J. of Att. Dis. 2008; 11(6) 642-651) — from the Journal of Attention Disorders.
This may not be news to you, but not everyone with ADHD accepts that taking medicine is usually not enough to meet our needs. This is especially important for adults who didn’t have a diagnosis until years after developing self-defeating habits. Research suggests that medicine can level the playing field and increase the likelihood of benefitting from psychotherapy and other resources.
You should ask yourself if you are living well with your ADHD, if you are satisfied with your marriage, if you are having the success you desire in your career, if you have a healthy lifestyle, if you have satisfying relationships with friends, if you manage your emotional life competently, if you seldom make mindless mistakes in your work, if you are getting things done efficiently and on time, and if you are attaining your goals and living your dream. If professional help could make your life easier and more satisfying, why deny yourself the help?
I don’t know about you, but I can be defensive about these things. I’m competent and should be able to manage my life without help, right? I can tell you this for sure: I never would have gotten my book published without the help of fellow author Melissa Orlov, editor Dave Carew, and the many friends and colleagues who believed, perhaps more than I, that my goal was attainable. I learned that I could finish a project that would take two years from beginning to end. I don’t think I ever completed a project that required more than a two-week commitment! The simple truth is that we are human, and any non-defensive individual can benefit from others who are willing and able to help.
There are many available resources for helping adults with ADHD to function more effectively in their daily lives. My professional colleagues include psychotherapists, neuropsychologists, psychiatrists, professional organizers, ADHD coaches, executive coaches, psychological examiners, career counselors, meditation teachers, a neurodevelopment optometrist, and educational consultants. While you probably don’t need all of these resources, it can help to know that the menu of helpers is big.
A few ADHD professionals serving adults have helped me start a network of providers in Middle Tennessee. We welcome inquiries from other professionals in the area who may want to join in our efforts. Coordination among the various professional services not only can help our clients, but can help us learn from each other.
ADHD symptoms are one thing; habitual behaviors that form around those symptoms are another. The secondary problem of habits may be worse than the primary problem of having ADHD.
All people are prone to habits that are driven by their emotional or cognitive styles. For example, many anxious people habitually avoid situations that make them feel anxious. Surfing the internet can distract an anxious person from dreaded future events. It has an obvious short-term benefit, but an undesirable long-term consequence. Practicing avoidance is not a productive way of coping. The underlying discomfort is the primary anxiety, but the secondary anxiety is more debilitating — i.e., being anxious about becoming anxious. The avoidance habit has a guaranteed reward: immediate anxiety reduction.
One of the most common behavioral habits I have observed in adults with ADHD is harsh self-criticism. Expecting (or being expected) to deal with life challenges the same way non-ADHD peers do is half the problem. Expecting criticism from others is the other half. Clients tell me that criticizing themselves is like a preemptive strike that keeps judgment from others at bay.
My clients often don’t even notice how much they criticize themselves until I point it out. Their self-dialogue is like the white noise of a fan running in the background. Tendencies are harmless unless you don’t see them, or you mistake them for “who you are” rather than “what you’re doing.” You don’t need to change who you are just to change what you’re doing.
The best way to deal with habits that don’t serve you is to develop new habits that will. Don’t think you have to overhaul yourself in the new year. Commit to action that is consistent with your values and then do this when the wheels come off the tracks: (1) put them back on the tracks, and (2) do it without judgment. They will come off again; you can count on it. Practice repeating these two steps as often and as many times as needed. It is like practicing meditation, returning your attention to the present as often and as much as needed.
Zen practice in real time can be better than practicing on a meditation cushion. On the cushion you repeatedly return to the present moment by redirecting your attention to your breath, to your body, to sounds in the present moment, or to a mantra. In “everyday Zen,” you repeatedly return your attention to the task at hand, and without adding the judgment. Cultivate this new habit, and have a Happy New Year!
It’s hard to believe that John Lennon’s life ended 37 years ago, on December 8, 1980. As brilliant and creative as he was, he was wrong about one thing: Love is not all you need.
If you want to have a successful relationship, you need empathy, willingness, acceptance, mindfulness, flexibility, understanding, humility, respect, fondness, commitment, and friendship. You can develop effective partnership skills, but trying to change your partner is disrespectful. Skillful partnering is more useful than holding onto selfish notions of an ideal mate.
Love is not all you need. Insisting on unconditional love from your partner is unreasonable. There are important conditions in a skillful partnership, like honesty and respect. They are building blocks for the “house” you are constructing. The more competent you are in building your house, the more content you will be in it.
Love is not all you need. Knowing how to navigate conflicts is essential. Conflicts are normal, but trying to win an argument is harmful. Winning an argument creates a loser, and a sound relationship does not have a loser. What you fight about is less important than how you treat your partner, and trying to be understood is less effective than trying to understand.
Love is not all you need. You need to stop doing harm with your avoidance of conflict. Ignoring your partner’s complaint conveys to her that her needs are unimportant to you. Extinguish all harsh criticism and expressions of contempt. Criticism and name-calling only separate you from your partner. Criticism points the finger of blame, whereas presenting a complaint points toward your own emotional experience and is less likely to provoke your partner.
John Lennon sang, “It’s easy…all you need is love.” Becoming a competent partner is not easy, and love is not enough.
What should you do when your ADHD symptoms are a source of amusement for people you love? I often hear about this challenge in my support group and on web-based forums. Your loved ones may adore you and find you lovable, like a puppy, and may unwittingly be hurting your feelings.
“We’re just playing with you,” they might say…like your uncle who would tickle you until it hurt and ignore your plea for him to stop. He was just playing.
If you tell a friend that he is hurting your feelings, he may reply that you’re just being sensitive, thereby reframing his insensitivity as your problem. If you react to his response with defensiveness, you risk reinforcing his perspective—proving him right—and so you may tend to shut down instead. Then you feel the deep loneliness that many adults with ADHD experience.
In truth, you may be more sensitive than some of your friends. Many adults with ADHD experience a sense of alienation after years of being misunderstood and mislabeled. That is why I chose to make “Who You Are and Who You’re Not” the first chapter in Living Well with ADHD. Others may have characterized you in ways that don’t accurately portray who you are. You are not your ADHD symptoms, nor the labels that may have been ascribed to you, and you are not defined by what others think of you. Others may believe that their portrait of you is a mirror, but their painting is impressioniam—a distorted image of you.
Chapter seven in my book is, “ADHD is Funny…And It’s Not.” Disabled people can be funny, like anyone, but a disability is not funny. Who would laugh at someone for using a walker? You wouldn’t say to him, “You look like an old man.” To someone with ADHD, saying “you may not remember” is more sensitive than laughing at him for forgetting. When I was a twenty-something, I recall someone remarking, in front of peers, that my eyeglass lenses were thick as a coke bottle. I told him that my vision problem was not funny.
Accepting your neurological difference is essential to living well. Your wish for others to be more sensitive is reasonable, but first, you must be clear about the essence of who you are so you can live with confidence. It is a bonus when others understand you, but not mandatory for your wellbeing. You need not rely on others to validate you. You have already have value…you can’t get it from others, and you don’t have to earn it. Living your values demonstrates who you are.
So, here is what you can say when your ADHD symptoms are a source of amusement for a friend: “I don’t think you intended to hurt me, but it would be unfair to you if I kept my hurt feelings to myself. Our relationship is important to me.”